From church committees to family gatherings, many women find themselves saying, “It’s fine,” even when it’s clearly not.
You agree to help your colleague after work, attend a friend’s event even when you’re drained, or take on family responsibilities you can’t handle, all because you don’t want to offend anyone.
This constant need to keep everyone happy is what psychologists call people-pleasing, putting others’ comfort above your own peace.
It’s something many of us learned growing up, where being a “good girl” meant being quiet, respectful, and available to everyone at all times.
But at what point does being nice start becoming a burden on your mental health and happiness?
Learning to stop people-pleasing isn’t rebellion; it’s self-respect.
Why We Fall Into People-Pleasing (and Don’t Even Realise It)
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Upbringing: Many of us grew up being told to “don’t argue,” or “just do it so they won’t say you’re rude.” Over time, you may start to believe that saying no or speaking up makes you a bad person.
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Fear of being misunderstood: You don’t want people to think you’re proud, difficult, or disrespectful, especially in settings like family, work, or church. So, you keep saying yes even.
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Desire for love and approval: Deep down, you want people to like you. You want peace in your relationships, so you do whatever it takes to avoid conflict, even if it means sacrificing your own comfort.
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Guilt: When you finally try to say no or put yourself first, you feel bad, like you’ve disappointed someone. That guilt pushes you right back into saying yes again.
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Cultural and religious expectations: Society praises women who sacrifice, serve, and “endure.” Saying no can be mistaken for pride or rebellion.
At the heart of it, people-pleasing is often rooted in fear, fear of being misunderstood, unloved, or abandoned.
But the truth is, you don’t have to earn respect by over-giving or over-explaining.
Research on approval addiction supports this: people who excessively seek approval tend to suffer from low self-esteem and define their worth based on how others view them.
Signs You’re a People-Pleaser
Sometimes, we don’t even realise we’re people-pleasing, it just feels like being “nice” or “helpful.”
But there’s a big difference between being kind and losing yourself trying to keep everyone happy.
Here are a few signs to watch out for:
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You say “yes” even when you’re tired or already overwhelmed.
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You apologise for things that aren’t your fault, just to avoid conflict.
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You feel anxious or guilty when someone is upset with you.
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You find it hard to express your real opinion if it might cause disagreement.
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You often do favours for people who wouldn’t do the same for you.
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You feel drained or resentful after constantly giving and never receiving.
If you see yourself in some of these, don’t beat yourself up. Many of us were raised this way, to keep the peace at all costs. The good news? You can unlearn it.
Awareness is the first step toward change.
The Price You Pay for Always Saying “Yes”
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Constant tiredness: You’re always running around trying to meet everyone’s expectations, leaving little time to rest or focus on yourself.
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Feeling invisible: People start taking your kindness for granted because you never complain or set limits.
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Emotional buildup: You smile on the outside but quietly feel angry or resentful because no one seems to care how you feel.
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Loss of confidence: You begin to doubt your own needs and choices since you’re used to putting others first.
It’s like pouring from an empty cup; no matter how much you give, it never feels enough. And in the end, you lose touch with who you truly are.
Steps to Start Breaking Free
Breaking free from people-pleasing doesn’t happen overnight, but small, consistent changes can make a big difference.
The goal isn’t to stop being kind, but to start being kind to yourself, too.
Here’s how to start:
1. Notice your patterns
Pay attention to moments when you say yes out of guilt or fear.
Ask yourself: “Do I really want to do this, or am I just afraid of disappointing someone?”
Writing down these moments helps you see how often it happens.
You don’t owe everyone an explanation. Try calm, polite responses like:
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“I’d love to, but I can’t right now.”
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“Let me get back to you.”
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“I don’t have the capacity for that at the moment.”
Start small, maybe say no to a request that drains you, and it’ll get easier with time.
3. Set Boundaries, Even With Loved Ones
Boundaries are not pride or stubbornness; they’re self-respect. It’s okay to rest, to say you’re busy, or to ask for space when you need it.
If someone truly loves and respects you, they’ll understand
4. Learn to Approve Yourself
Don’t wait for others to clap for you before you feel worthy.
Speak kindly to yourself, celebrate your small wins, and stop measuring your worth by people’s opinions.
5. Stop Feeling Guilty for Resting
Rest isn’t laziness, it’s necessary. You don’t have to earn rest by overworking or pleasing others first.
6. Surround Yourself With Supportive People
Spend more time with people who respect your “no.” Watch how they confidently and without guilt handle boundaries.
The more you see it modeled, the easier it becomes to do the same.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, you owe yourself the same care and respect you freely give to others. You don’t have to shrink yourself to be accepted or exhaust yourself to be valued.
Peace feels unfamiliar at first, especially if you’ve lived your whole life pleasing others, but with time, it becomes a sense of freedom.
What about you?
Have you ever struggled with people-pleasing or found a way to overcome it? I’d love to hear your thoughts or personal experiences.
Researched by Victoria Odueso
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